Nightmares about your ex
Some ex dreams are wistful. These are not. The ex is shouting, following you, hurting you, moving back in, or turning up somewhere you thought was safe. You wake with your heart racing and the relief takes a while to arrive. Nightmares about an ex are common, especially after a hard breakup, and they are among the dreams most worth taking seriously, both for what they show and for how you are sleeping.
Why am I having nightmares about my ex?
Nightmares tend to come from emotional material the waking mind has not yet settled. A breakup can leave a great deal of it: fear, humiliation, rage, grief. If the relationship was frightening, the body may have learned to stay alert, and sleep is where that alertness shows. Even a mild relationship can leave a bad dream behind if it ended suddenly or unfairly. In Jung's terms the nightmare is still compensation, the psyche insisting on a feeling that the day has not given room to.
What the nightmare is showing
The plot is worth looking at closely. An ex who chases you often marks something you are still running from, whether the memory, the feeling or a part of yourself the relationship touched; see our guide to dreams about being chased. An ex who moves back in may show an old pattern that has followed you into a new life. An ex who is cruel in the dream may be a memory, or may carry an inner critic you took on during the relationship and kept. Ask what the ex does in the dream, and where you meet that now.
Bad dreams about an ex you were happy to leave
Even when you wanted the breakup, and are better off, bad dreams can come. Relief by day and fear by night are not contradictory. Leaving a relationship can bring up the fear you lived with during it, now that it is finally safe to feel it. Many people describe a run of nightmares a few weeks or months after getting out. They often fade as life becomes steadier.
When the nightmares keep coming back
Repetition is the dream's way of saying something still needs attention. Note the date and the day before each nightmare. Common triggers are contact with the ex, legal or practical dealings, seeing them online, anniversaries, and starting a new relationship. If the nightmare is the same each time, it can help to rehearse a new ending while awake, a technique used clinically for recurring nightmares. Our guide to nightmares covers this in more detail.
Working with the dream gently
You do not have to analyse a nightmare straight away. If it was frightening, start by grounding yourself: feet on the floor, a glass of water, the light on. Write it down later, when you are calm. When you are ready, ask what the ex in the dream carries for you now, using the approach in the main guide to dreaming about your ex. If what you want is for the dreams to ease, how to stop dreaming about your ex sets out practical steps.
Nightmares about a current partner
If the bad dreams are about the person you are with now, rather than an ex, the questions are a little different. See why you keep having bad dreams about your boyfriend. If the ex was a marriage, dreaming about your ex-husband may also help.
When to talk to someone
Bad dreams are a normal part of sleep, and an occasional nightmare after a hard week needs no treatment. It is worth speaking to your doctor or a therapist if nightmares come most nights, if you dread going to sleep, if they follow something frightening that really happened, or if they are affecting your days. Repeating nightmares are common and well understood, and there are established ways to help with them. If you feel unsafe with a partner or ex in waking life, that comes first: tell someone you trust, and contact your doctor or a domestic abuse support service.
A worked example: the ex at the new front door
The dream below is invented for illustration. It shows the method, not anyone's real dream.
“I'm in my new flat and there's knocking. I know it's him. I hold the door shut but the handle keeps turning. My new partner is asleep in the next room and I can't wake him. I wake up shaking.”
The image
A new home, a door held shut, an ex trying the handle, and a new partner who cannot be woken.
Associations
The dreamer left a controlling relationship two years ago. Last week her ex contacted a mutual friend to ask how she was. She told herself it did not matter. Her new partner does not know much about that time.
What it compensates
Her waking attitude is that the past is behind a closed door. The dream shows the door being tested by a small, real event, and her sense that she is holding it alone. One possibility: the sleeping partner is the part of her life that does not yet know the story, and the dream asks whether she needs to stop holding it alone.
A small practice
When calm, write the dream down and change the ending: she wakes her partner and they hold the door together. If it feels right, tell him a little about that time.
Common questions
Why am I having nightmares about my ex?
Usually because the relationship or its ending left fear, anger or hurt that has not yet been processed. They are especially common after frightening or controlling relationships, and often return when something in the present resembles the past.
What does it mean when your ex is chasing you in a dream?
A pursuing ex often marks something you are still running from: the memory, a feeling, or a part of yourself the relationship touched. Turning to face the figure, in imagination while awake, is one way to work with it.
Is it normal to have bad dreams about an ex I wanted to leave?
Yes. Leaving can bring up the fear you lived with during the relationship, now that it is safe to feel it. Many people have a run of nightmares a few weeks or months after getting out, which fades as life steadies.
When should I get help for nightmares about my ex?
If they come most nights, make you dread sleep, follow real harm, or affect your days, speak to your doctor or a therapist. If you feel unsafe because of your ex, contact a support service or someone you trust.
Written by Alexander George and reviewed against our editorial standards. Coniunctio offers reflection, not diagnosis or prediction. If a dream is tied to distress, please speak to a professional.
Related guides
What is Coniunctio?
A dream can stay with you all day and still make no sense. Coniunctio analyses it in Jung's method, symbol by symbol, so you can see what it is working on and what to do with it.
- A Jungian analysis of your dream, symbol by symbol
- A ritual to work with it: three offered, you choose one
- Follow-up questions and notes on every analysis
- A dream archive that grows as you feed it
“The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul, opening into that cosmic night which was psyche long before there was any ego-consciousness.”