Why do I keep having bad dreams about my boyfriend?
He leaves you, he is cruel, he cannot see you, he gets hurt and you cannot reach him. You wake up unsettled and then he is lying next to you, perfectly ordinary, and the feeling does not quite match the man. Bad dreams about a partner you love are common, and they can be confusing because they seem to contradict what you feel. Usually they do not contradict it. They complete it.
Why you have bad dreams about someone you love
Love makes a person important, and what is important carries the possibility of loss. Dreams are where that possibility gets explored. Jung saw dreams as compensating for the waking attitude: if you are committed, content and invested, the dream may bring in the fear the contentment keeps quiet. That is not a sign the relationship is wrong. It is the psyche taking it seriously. Many people have their most frightening dreams about a partner during the best stretches of a relationship, when there is most to lose.
What the bad dream is about
The specific scene matters. A dream where he leaves you, ignores you or chooses someone else is usually about fear of being left or not chosen; see also dreaming your partner is cheating on you. A dream where he is angry or cruel may be giving shape to a conflict you have not raised, or to an old relationship that is being projected onto this one. A dream where he is in danger or dies is often about change in the relationship, or about how much you depend on him, rather than about his safety.
Why do I keep having nightmares about my boyfriend?
Repetition means the feeling has not yet been heard. Recurring nightmares about a partner often follow a stressful period, a move in together, a big decision, or a time when you have been swallowing something to keep the peace. They can also come from a previous relationship that was frightening, where the body learned to expect danger from closeness. Note when the dreams come and what happened that day. The pattern usually points at the cause.
The boyfriend as a part of you
In Jungian work, every figure in a dream can also be taken as part of the dreamer. A boyfriend who is harsh in a dream may carry your own inner critic. A boyfriend who disappears may be a capacity of yours, such as confidence or warmth, that you have come to rely on him for. Asking “what does he do in the dream that I do to myself?” can be surprisingly revealing.
When your boyfriend keeps having bad dreams about you
If he is the one who keeps having bad dreams about you, the same principles apply from his side: his dream is made from his fears and history, not from your behaviour. A conversation about what he feels in the dream, rather than what you did in it, usually helps more than reassurance. See also when your boyfriend keeps dreaming you cheat.
What to do with the dreams
Write each one down, with the strongest feeling and the day before. Ask what the dream is afraid of, and whether that fear is something you could say to him. Telling a partner about a bad dream, starting with how you felt rather than what he did, often brings you closer. For dreams about former partners, see nightmares about your ex and our guide to dreaming about your ex. For nightmares in general, see our guide to nightmares.
When to talk to someone
Bad dreams are a normal part of sleep, and an occasional nightmare after a hard week needs no treatment. It is worth speaking to your doctor or a therapist if nightmares come most nights, if you dread going to sleep, if they follow something frightening that really happened, or if they are affecting your days. Repeating nightmares are common and well understood, and there are established ways to help with them. If you feel unsafe with a partner or ex in waking life, that comes first: tell someone you trust, and contact your doctor or a domestic abuse support service.
A worked example: the boyfriend behind the glass
The dream below is invented for illustration. It shows the method, not anyone's real dream.
“I'm in a train station and Ollie is on the other side of a glass wall. I bang on it and shout and he can't hear me. He looks worried and then just walks away. I keep having versions of this.”
The image
A glass wall, a boyfriend who can see but not hear, a dreamer shouting, and a departure.
Associations
The dreamer and Ollie are deciding whether to move cities for his job. She says she is “totally fine with it”. Asked what she would say if no one could be hurt by it, she says she would rather stay.
What it compensates
Her waking attitude is easy agreement. The dream shows the cost of it: she is behind glass, shouting what she has not said, and he leaves because he cannot hear. One possibility: the nightmare is less about losing him than about losing her own voice in the decision.
A small practice
Write the sentence she was shouting through the glass. Then find a calm moment to say a version of it to Ollie, beginning with “I keep having a dream”.
Common questions
What do bad dreams about your boyfriend mean?
Usually they give shape to fears about the relationship, such as being left, not being heard or a change in closeness. Sometimes he stands for something in you, like an inner critic. They are rarely a comment on who he really is.
Why do I keep having nightmares about my boyfriend?
Recurring nightmares tend to follow a feeling that has not yet been voiced, a stressful change, or an earlier relationship that was frightening. Writing down when they come usually reveals the trigger.
Why does my boyfriend keep having bad dreams about me?
His dreams come from his own fears and history, not from your behaviour. Asking what he felt in the dream, rather than what you did in it, is usually the most helpful conversation.
Should I be worried about bad dreams about my boyfriend?
A bad dream on its own is not a warning. If you feel afraid of him while awake, though, take that seriously and talk to someone you trust, your doctor or a support service.
Written by Alexander George and reviewed against our editorial standards. Coniunctio offers reflection, not diagnosis or prediction. If a dream is tied to distress, please speak to a professional.
Related guides
What is Coniunctio?
A dream can stay with you all day and still make no sense. Coniunctio analyses it in Jung's method, symbol by symbol, so you can see what it is working on and what to do with it.
- A Jungian analysis of your dream, symbol by symbol
- A ritual to work with it: three offered, you choose one
- Follow-up questions and notes on every analysis
- A dream archive that grows as you feed it
“The dream is a little hidden door in the innermost and most secret recesses of the soul, opening into that cosmic night which was psyche long before there was any ego-consciousness.”